12 Tips for Talking About Your Relationship After the Breakup

After the breakup, it's normal to want to talk with your friends about what happened. Talking with your friends should make you feel better not worse. By focusing on the following points, talking about the relationship really can make you feel better.

12 Tips for Talking About Your Relationship After the Breakup

After the breakup, it's normal to want to talk with your friends about what happened. But talking with your friends should make you feel better, not worse. By focusing on the following points, you'll find that talking about the relationship really can make you feel better.

1. Ask someone to listen without offering advice. When we ask someone to listen, it's because we need to say something. Ask your friend to really genuinely listen to you. Let yourself talk. But don't seek advice. The point isn't to ask "what could I have done differently?" The point is to own how you feel and move on from it.

That's not to say that you shouldn't ask for advice, but make sure the advice you ask for will help you to move forward. Instead of focusing on the past, ask how your friend would do things if the situation happened to her. It may not be something that would work for you, but it will give you a different perspective.

2. Get together with friends who believe in you. Rebuild your self-esteem by surrounding yourself with friends who value you for who you are.

3. Understand that it's okay to be bummed out. Remember that being sad is natural, staying sad forever is not.

4. Let go of the blame. Relationships fail. It's not anyone's fault. Don't blame him, but don't blame yourself either.

5. Accept that things happen for a reason (but don't worry too much about what that reason is). The relationship ended. Why? Does it really matter? You can't go back and change that, so why spend a lot of time thinking about it. Focus instead on the fact that it just wasn't right for you right now.

6. Believe that you are a good person. This too is a part of letting go of the blame. If you focus on "I was wrong to. . ." you'll never take the time to celebrate all that you have that makes you a great person. Whether it's that you are a fantastic listener or a supporting and caring friend, celebrate it.

7. Focus on things you learned about yourself. Maybe you learned that you can love and be inspired by someone who seems really different from you. Maybe you learned that appearances weren't everything. But regardless of what you learned, celebrate it. Every experience to learn something new about ourselves is a chance to grow - it takes us closer to where we want to be.

8. Focus on things you learned about relationships in general. Maybe you learned how to trust. Maybe you learned how to be honest even when it was scary. Regardless of what you learned in the relationship, it's something that you can move forward with and apply to future relationships.

9. Eliminate the "should haves" and "buts" from your conversation. Again, this focuses on the blame. When you sentence begins "I know that we had a great time, but…" or "I should have done more to…" you are blaming yourself for something that has gone wrong in the relationship - and that will make it harder for you to move on.

10. Acknowledge that the relationship wasn't perfect. No relationship ever is.There are good points and bad points and ways in which it helped you grow. Just as you shouldn't put the guy who left on a pedestal, don't hold the relationship up as perfect because obviously it wasn't. Use it instead as a learning experience. Look to recreate the parts of it that were great and look for improvements upon the things that really sucked in your next relationship.

11. Learn something that will help in your next relationship - something about what you're really looking for.No relationship is perfect. When your relationship falls apart, it presents an opportunity to look and see what things happened that you really didn't want in your life. Maybe he didn't make great eye contact and you always felt that he was hiding something. You couldn't change him, but you can look for someone who can give you that the next time around. Every ending is a new beginning.

12. Think about what you really want, and the ways in which the relationship was not helping you to find it. Have you always wanted to see the world, but his idea of a good time was watching the game at home? Do you like to go dancing and hang out but he always wanted to stay in (and usually fell asleep on the couch early in the evening)?

Now is the chance to really look at the ways in which the relationship was holding you back. And, now you have the opportunity to look forward and to find someone who will help you to move in the direction you want your life to take.

Remember, you can't change what happened, only your reaction to it.

No matter what, you can't go back in time to a particular pivot moment and change history - so stop focusing on that moment. What you can do, however, is to make a conscious choice about how you'll react. Choose not to wallow in self-pity, choose to move on and find happiness, and you will.

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